I don't see it...

It's so much a part of my experience that I hold it on the level of a "Cosmic" Truth. That is, "We can't see our own 'stuff.'"

By "stuff" I mean anything that makes me who and what I am --- both the good  stuff and the bad stuff. It seems next to impossible, if not impossible, for me to feel from another what they feel about me, or for another to feel from me what I feel about myself. There are different visions of me, my own and someone Else's. Which vision is right, theirs or mine? Neither or both? (I'm writing this post in first person because I'm feeling it so personally. I'm assuming it can apply to many, though.)

Sometimes, for whatever reason, I can't feel the good in myself that another feels from and about me. When this happens I can be lavished in heartfelt and wonderful statements of worth and worthiness but, while I may accept it on the surface, I don't really feel it, I don't feel worthy of it, not really.

At other times, I can't feel the bad from myself that others feel from me. When I write "bad" here, I'm thinking about anything I do that bruises another's heart.

It has become one of my life goals to attempt not to bruise another's heart, especially those who are close to me. I believe the world can be a hard place and I don't want to be a part of bruising the most precious part of another being. But, here's what I face. While I don't intend to bruise another's heart, I do. Then, since I can't see my own bad, I'm unaware what I've done.  

I'll be honest and say there have been times when I wanted to bruise someone Else's heart, even to the point to "calling down curses" on them, wishing evil things would happen to them. I'm ashamed of myself now. Of course, I can "give myself a pass" and say I'm human, that I was hurting. But on this side of it, I honestly feel shame for where I took my heart.

That type of intentional "bad" is not what I'm talking about, though (believe me, intentional badness is the kind I AM aware of inside me). And I'm not talking about some grand vileness in me. I'm talking about those simple day-to-day things I unwittingly say and do that bruises the heart of another --- the things I say and do that I simply don't see in myself.

I've mused long and deep about this dilemma. I don't know if there's a solution. There might be. It's one I read about often. It's valued highly by wisdom teachers of all ages. Forgiveness.

I need Forgiveness from those who love me. It's a word we throw around a lot, but I'm not sure we know it's depth.

It's all so intertwined that the Celtic Knot seems an appropriate symbol. I do my best not to wound the heart of someone I love. But I do. Because they love me, they forgive me for my humanness (not sweep it under the carpet, not bottle it up --- that's different --- and not healthy). We learn from it and both become better together for it. Someone I love is doing their best not to wound my heart. But they do. Because I love them, I forgive them for their humanness (not sweep it under the carpet, not bottle it up --- that's different). We learn from it and both become better together for it. Our hearts are intertwined and the love/forgiveness dance is like the Celtic Knot.

It makes sense to me that this is what the wisdom teachers had in mind. Is it possible for our heart to enlarge enough to embrace it?